No Words

There are only a few times in most people's lives where they are left speechless. Whether is be speechless in awe and wonder or speechless in grief and sadness, it is speechless nevertheless. I am going to be honest here, this isn't about the good kind of loss of words. I recently lost my cat, Yankee. I am 18 and I had him for roughly 15 years of my life. When we found out he was sick, I was mad and upset. I actually felt silly, though. You see, it is seen as trivial to mourn an animal for a long period of time, but I felt this overwhelming sadness that I couldn't really show all the way without being seen as 'emotional'.

I am a very 'wordy' person in that I use writing and words to help me make sense of the world around me. There are very few times where I can't find the words to use to explain what is on my heart and mind. When we put Yankee down the other morning, I was left speechless. I have been trying to pull out the words I need to label this and to make sense of it before this grief lasts for too long and 'inconveniences' anybody else because God forbid I feel for this animal more than I should. I can't describe it. I only know how it feels, so let me paint that picture for anybody that this may concern.

It is the pause when I walk through the door to my house, and he isn't waiting for me like he had done every day except for the first three years of my life. It is standing in the doorway cracked so he can't escape into the night like tried to do every day, but now he is already gone. It is a lone piece of his hair on my blankets, never to be accompanied by more. It is making food and he doesn't come running when he smells any type of meat and try to get a bite when you aren't looking. It's the soft rub of his head nudging my leg when he wants my attention. Nobody wanted my attention more than him. It is the lonely nights when I go to look for him to feel less alone, but the only thing that remains are empty photos that don't bring comfort but only a reminder of the comfort I can't have anymore. It is the scary noise at night that I used to 'blame on the cat' to draw safety from that can no longer hold true. It is the most pure and good thing in my life that wiped away the tears that others didn't know about. Now those tears will fall one after the other that not a single soul will know about. It is fifteen years of my life that I loved him the best I knew how only to be lost, and wrapped up in the lifeless shell of my former buddy.

I don't have a name for it, and I can't get over it so easy because I miss those things. I want them back. He is in a better place and happier than ever, but selfishly, I want my happiness back. I guess loving something or someone is putting their happiness ahead of your own. I did that, but I never realized how much I was losing. I would make the same decision over and over again to bring him peace, but maybe now you can understand why it is going to take a minute to feel happy again. That is because for fifteen out of eighteen years, he brought me so much happiness. There will still be wisps of areas of my life he used to occupy, but slowly, I will learn to find happiness in other people, activities, and aspects of life. However, nothing can change the fact that he was enough for me to decide that I can be sad for awhile if it means paradise for him. So let me be sad for awhile. It won't last forever, but for now, let me not find the words. Let me sit down, watch the clouds turn to stars and take a minute to not write it down, but to pray about it. Let me cry, scream, talk about any and everything else, and when the world has gone to sleep and is quiet, I will talk to God and not try to make sense of it. I will only believe He is good, and trust that I don't need the words to be okay.